It’s been a while since I posted anything about my now not so new record, “Ain’t Gonna Hide No More”. Sorry. I WILL finish talking about the songs on it.
I stopped because of this song, however…
I wrote this song, pretty much in my head, while on a walk with my wife and kids in Yellowstone. I was walking with my wife, enjoying my children as they sauntered about, enjoying God’s wonderful creation and the company. We REALLY bonded on that trip, all four of us (Plus my wife’s bestie and her friend, while in Montana!). I mean, we REALLY had a wonderful time – the way life on life should always be. Almost perfect, as humanity goes.
In that moment though, for some reason all these memories of how I had treated my kids in the past came back…. In a huge rush…. It overwhelmed me for a bit, and I couldn’t shake it. It was haunting.
See, I was a negligent father for a while – serving self and only self. My kids suffered much because of it. I was reminded one time shortly after their mother and I separated, taking care of them after being out all night. I put them in the tub to take a bath – then laid down and crashed on the couch. I was awaken by their crying, standing there shivering, soaking wet, in towels that Stella had found to dry themselves off – they didn’t know how to do that stuff, and were calling for me to help. I didn’t hear them. For an hour…..
That was just one thing that came to mind. I know the devil was pouring this on, trying to get me to feel like crap for my past sins (bastard, tries to do that a lot…). I prayed, asked God for his grace, thanked him for the man he’s made me into, the man he’s making me in to, for my children to know they are LOVED and VALUED. I thanked him for restored relationships with them, for the wonderful opportunity we had to be together in this moment.
And I wrote these lyrics. I’m getting older, I am not sure how I kept them in my head for that time, or the melody. It’s odd…..
I struggle writing about this, because this is – hard… My kids were robbed of something through my sin. I know, all parents do that somehow to their kids. But we also struggle with it. I do thank God that we have been given new life, that my amazing children actually (I hope) like me, that they know they are loved by me, and more important – by their Lord and Savior….