I’ve Said Too Much?

I’ve Said Too Much

I've Said Too Much FINAL

Title tracks are often anthems of some sort.  I would not say that is the case here.  It’s probably my least favorite song on the record.  But I do like the harmonies.  And I do like the subject.

Not the best job selling you, is it?  🙂

I forget when I started writing this song.  But I wanted to parlay a bit of the conundrum of what social media has done.  Especially in this day and age, where we are all seemingly “on edge”.  There is so much strife in the world.  We have a president nobody seems to want.  We have division over whether he’s a righteous man, or “chosen by God”, or just a common thief.  We have justifications for his actions, or hers, or yours, or mine.  We have judgement, condemnation, celebration, congregation, separation, justification, self-gratification – every form of “ation” you could think of.

And it’s ALL magnified today.  You can’t get away from it.

But you don’t really have to enter into it.

So there is a false sense of “safety”.  “I can say anything I want now.  The guy on the other end of the screen isn’t really real.”

We are dehumanizing ourselves, slowly but surely…

Or worse – we’re silent.

I’m silent….

Because I’m afraid that you might not like me.  Or maybe I don’t like you, and I don’t think you’re worth my words.  Or maybe both?

And we’re afraid.  So afraid…

What if this happens?  Or that doesn’t happen?  What will happen to me???

So this is my convoluted confession.  I’ve gotten so wrapped up in not getting wrapped up, that I’ve avoided any sort of risk of entanglement.  I’m comfortable.  I’m lazy.

I’ve said too much…  By saying nothing…

I like the funky solo.  Don’t you?

I’ve Said Too Much

I’ve said too much
By saying nothing
And doing nothing
And being nothing I said I would

I’ve done all I could
To push you away
And keep you at by
So have a nice day
But please don’t stay here
In my space…
In my heart…
In my mind

I’m sorry if
I offend you
Or neglect you
Or make you feel you don’t belong

I’m sorry if
You don’t believe me
Or don’t agree with me
Or don’t like the way I say
The very words that set you free
From your shame
Or your pain or your death

I’ve said too much
By saying nothing…

I’ve Said Too Much

Advertisements

This Town Is Not For Me

This Town Is Not For Me

I've Said Too Much FINAL

This song…

When I set out to write songs for a new EP, after finishing my last record, I really was looking to put something loose and fun and light out.  Last time, all the songs were written or chosen from some sort of personal perspective.  Not depressing, or dark  – but deeply personal, as many were written to or for people I love dearly.  So I wanted to write songs with “no care in the world”.

That didn’t happen.  And this song kicks it off.

As happens often with me, it started with the title.  My wife and I were planning a short trip to Nashville.  I’d never been there, and being a wannabe musician, I was super stoked.  But the one thought that kept creeping in was, “This town is not for me”.  It’s a town for established and struggling and striving musicians and songwriters, of a caliber and skill level I could never dream to match.   Not a big deal – I’m content with where I’m at.  Just stating a fact – “This town is not for me”.

So I set out to write this light, loose, fun song about how I don’t fit into Nashville.

It didn’t work, and I ended up writing about how I’ve NEVER felt I fit in.  From childhood, when I could never seem to be old enough to sit at the adult table, or was too young to hang with my brother, or I was seemingly the last chosen on any sporting team (I was bad.  I mean, really, really bad, at any sport)…

To my teenage years, where suddenly I felt awkward, even around family members who had done nothing but show me love and grace.  I remember even thinking to myself at family functions, as a relative approached, “Don’t come talk to me, don’t come talk to me, don’t come…  Ah nuts!”  Sweaty palms, group/crowd anxiety, unable to strike up or maintain a conversation (I still have this issue, as an old man)…

To high school where I was the quiet, forgotten kid in the hallways, who didn’t fit in with jocks or dirtballs or smartie smarts, or theater kids…

To “college years” – where I didn’t DO college but took a shot with music.  I actually felt somewhat like I fit in, most of the time.  But I was the butt of many jokes (I was the bass player, after all 😉 ).  I couldn’t write songs as well as the other guys, so I sorta just – didn’t…

To adulthood – everyone else had their education, their well-paid jobs, and their lives together.  I didn’t, or didn’t think so anyway, because I chased my dreams and it left me sort of – “behind?”  This is a lie – but I believed it, whole-heartedly…  This bred a sense of discontentment, which caused me to act out in not so smart or adult-y ways…

To even life in the church.  I’m part of a church family filled with people who have lavished love on me, in a way that surpasses those who had lavished love on me throughout my life (We’re talking about a lot of love lavished.  A lot of love lavished…).

To my family today.  My wife, my kids, my wife’s kids, our grandkiddos – I  cannot express enough how loved I am!  I mean, it might make you puke.  And I’m not sorry.  I do want you to know this kind of love – but I’m not sorry if you puke a little.  🙂

And this kind of love, is what we should know.  It’s what we WILL know, in the end.

And yet – I can feel so alone at times…

This song was me reaching into those dark places, where I feel so lonely, where I think, “I don’t belong here…”

I did not intend to write this song.  But I wrote it.  I have asked myself, “Why write this?” “Do you really want to share this?”  –  For this, and other songs on this record (It’s actually sort of a dark record, conceptually).  The only thing I can think of is, I’m not the only one.

I know I’m not the only one who has or does deal with that sinking feeling, “I don’t belong here”.  We see it all over.  Most of us (maybe all of us) have felt this way.  And we’ve been impacted by it in our communities, our workplaces, our churches, our politics, our social media, our schools…  The feeling of loneliness so often causes us to react in not so wise or not so admirable ways.  Which can then set us into  tailspin of “I don’t belong” (Or worse)…

I don’t say this, and I don’t share this, to get into any sort of pity show.  Or to depress us.  Or to shame us.  I say it so you know, you are NOT alone.  There IS hope.

Sure, I don’t belong here.  None of us do, really.  But I do belong.

At the very least, it turned out to be a pretty song.  I love playing it, and it has seemed to resonate with listeners.  Hopefully it will with you as well.

This Town Is Not For Me

This town is not for me
I don’t belong here
Though I’ve lived here my whole life
Nobody knows I’m alive

This crowd is not my own
I don’t belong here
I’m just another face
And I feel so out of place

But the memories of yesterday
Wash over like a tidal wave
And the things I’ve long forgotten
I just make up along the way

I was too scared to put it out
Or my weakness might show through
And it’s too late for me now
This town’s not for me

I’m older than I was
Past the prime I never knew
Still some times I long for younger days
When we went where the wind blew

And we never though of dying
We were kings of that hill
But the times are different now
This town’s not for me

This Town Is Not For Me